#21

i have had some excessive list-making going on lately out of sheer necessity. i am leaving in less than a week, and today mum informed me, "i hope you have everything you need, because i have no idea what's going on." so inspiring. basically, i am alone in my preparation. turns out, i have a plethora of shirts. this may or may not be a good thing.
in the drama department, frog text me the other night and told me not to go, that he wants me back. it made me heartsick. i KNOW i need to go, and that he and i were not the best for each other. we fight, we are rude, and we bring out the worst in each other. why would i want that forever? no thank you. but for some reason, i can never completely stop thinking about him. it drives me crazy. because i think that i may still love him. or at least i love being in love with him. i love the twitterpated feeling i get when he has called or text. i love our inside jokes. i love teasing him. yesterday, as i was driving with my mum, she and i were discussing mr. x and his relationship with mal, and she told me about this book she had read about love as an addiction. not that all love is just an addiction, but that sometimes, a relationship is toxic, but you are so wrapped up in it and how the good parts make you feel that you will continue to destroy yourself for that "high." x and mal's relationship is definitely a toxic addiction for them. i am wondering if mine and frog's relationship is as well. with part of me i hope that he gets married while i'm gone so i won't have to deal with anything when i get back. aargh.

but then again, every time i talk to him, i want to be with him. [note: i say i love you. and love ya. and love you. a lot. if i have said it to you once, i have no problem restating it, as i think it is not used nearly enough. people need to know they are loved. so everytime i say love you, it is not necessarily "i love you i want to marry you" but quite possibly "i love yo you are my friend and i want the sun to shine kindly upon you and for you to be happy always] tonight, as we were wrapping up our conversation, he told me he loved me too. he hasn't done that in approximately 10 months. tonight we also (somewhat) jokingly talked about getting married when i get home. and i want to.

i am so anxious. and frustrated. and excited. and scared. and happy. and emotional. i wish i could just leave tomorrow, and not have to deal with boy drama.